12/31/20; 12:46 AM | Feeling: lost

happy new years eve reader! this site is almost a full year old now, can you believe that? honestly, it feels like it's a couple with how long 2020 has felt. the first half before corona virus feels completely different from when quarantine started - I'm almost a completely different person from then as well. So, so much has happened in my life even within the past couple of weeks. I'm so lost and confused, I'm frustrated and I'm making poor decisions left and right. It's difficult to even do the right thing as I've been in such a bad depressive slump, my brain is telling me to act with my heart and instant gratification is my biggest enemy right now. I haven't touched this site in so long and I do feel bad about it.. but I'm taking a proper coding class this semester, so hopefully I'll have some new skills to put to use here? wish me luck everyone! i've heard it's a hard class >_< things with [redacted] and me have been.. really, uhhhm interesting to say the least. there is a lot wrong and i guess i'll leave it at that. i hope you all had a great christmas/holidays if you don't celebrate the former.. much love everyone, as always ! miitan loves you!

07/31/20; 1:56 AM | Feeling: needy

hi all! i'm so sorry about my absence .. despite the fact that we're still all homebound, i've just been away from my site and haven't felt compelled to code. but, i think i've been making a lot of personal strides for myself. going back to therapy after over a year, hopefully starting medication soon, learning to drive, etc. i'm trying my best despite being in some of the worst depressive periods these past few months. it's a little hard typing this to even [redacted]

05/28/20; 7:25 PM | Feeling: fuzzy :]

hellooo! it's been a whole month since I last updated . . . but there isn't much to say! quarantine is still here, we're still stuck inside, and I've been struggling all the same. May especially has been pretty hard for me and I'm glad it's coming to a close. I've been having a hard time keeping myself busy and staying secure with my relationships. I've experienced a lot of hurt and frustration this past year. I've hopefully learned a lot from all that, too. I recently let an old friend back into my life and I'm so happy to have her around. I feel like we cleared the air well and finally it feels like things are returning to normality, yet I still feel this hanging sensation of emptiness. I need to find a good balance between caring too little and caring too much. Anyway, tomorrow is the two month marker of my time with [redacted]! I'm very happy! Despite my recent struggles [redacted] has been so supportive and patient with me. It's really all I could ask for and it eases my pain so much. I wish I could escape it, or do more to handle it. But for now I'm trying my best, and my two month clean streak is just on the horizon as well! I've been very diligent in staying clean and it's such a personal yet huge victory for me and it's so nice to share that with someone. I don't have to be in this struggle alone anymore. I don't have to try to substitute external support with my own self anymore. Of course, I'm trying with all that's in me. Just because I have someone by my side doesn't mean I'm gonna just give up on trying to help myself! It's a struggle for all involved but I'm not alone anymore and that's really something beautiful. I've never experienced anything like this before and I'm just so grateful. Now, I gotta get back to finishing my big project . . . I've been slacking way too much with it ;;;-;; Wish me luck!

04/29/20; 10:53 PM | Feeling: lost

hi everyone :] how's everyone's quarantine been? mine was pretty okay for a while, but starting around last week everyday feels like it's gotten harder and harder. I'm feeling less like a person every day and it's really taking a toll on me, if i'm being honest. I don't feel much at all besides empty, and I've been trying my best to push the feeling down with video games and coding and art but it feels like nothing helps. I don't want to put all these bad feelings out in the world but I need help and I'm not sure how to make this go away. I feel like I have way too much time to think and get lost in my brain, it's so bad for me. I don't go out, I don't leave my room, I don't even get out of bed unless I really have to. The days all feel the same and having no clue when this will all end makes it 10x harder because I don't know how much more I can take. I've begun ordering parts for my first pc build and I'm super excited about that but it'll probably be another two weeks of waiting before I'm able to even start putting it together :/ I've never played so much mario kart in my life and I take every chance I have to play gta on my brother's or dad's xbox. I honestly feel dead and I don't know what to do. I feel so fucking burnt out from everything all I've been doing is indulging myself in my hobbies to the point where I've lost interest. This sucks so much. I don't even wanna go back to school but at least that gives me a distraction. I'm having such a hard time staying safe. This month overall has been really nice though thanks to someone very near and dear to me. Without [redacted], I wouldn't be nearly as okay as I am. I don't want these bad feelings to take away from all that [redacted] does for me. Anyway, I hope your quarantine has been a lot better than mine, reader. Thank you for reading that word vomit of emotions ;;

03/27/20; 3:00 AM | Feeling: sleepy

JEEZ it's been almost an entire month since I last updated this site! I'm so sorry, reader :< so much has happened. After my spring break, the covid-19 situation began and I haven't been in school for like,, 3 weeks now?? I've begun online classes and finished all of this week's work yesterday (thursday). As I'm sure you could guess, my sleep schedule is completely fucked in every way and I haaate it. I want to be asleep right now and I'm dead tired, but I've been laying in bed for hours at this point with my eyes shut. Finally my mind wandered enough and I said fuck it, I'd rather be productive than lying in bed unsuccessfully trying to sleep. So, hi!! I have a flip phone now :3 I blinged it out and I love it a lot! I'll add pics later. I just got a pink nokia in the mail too heh, I love old tech :P also, tomorrow I'm gonna work on adding a page for all my favorite characters and hyperfixations! Maybe that'll make this site more personal? ^^ *also, if you've visited my site before I'm sure you remember my old journal page! It was more like a vent honestly and I didn't like having all that negativity here,, so I'll keep to updates and basically blog posts like this one!*

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