01/22/20; 11:15 AM | Feeling: passionate

Good morning everyone, it's nearly afternoon. I'm in english class and I just finished an essay thankfully! My last two classes of the day are spanish and whap. I have a pop quiz next period, I'm not excited for that. But last period I found a website full of simfiles for BeatX, so I'm really pumped (pun intended) about that! I have plenty of new stepmania maps to play now. I tried some on hard and challenging and they were really difficult! I definitely enjoy higher bpm songs though, but the first of the new maps I played was "Ino - Kokeshi Neko Medley", and it was suuuuuper difficult! 211 bpm too. It was super fun though ^_^ Too bad I'd never be able to play something like that on the actual pads with my feet. I'm so much quicker with my fingers since I'm so used to rhythm games like LLSIF and im@s. BeatX is an awesome simulator though because you can hook it up to your tv thru HDMI so that's really cool. I can't wait to get dance pads soon so I don't have to trek to the arcade 30 min away with the only pump it up machine in the whole town. I'm not knowledgeable enough to make a nice metal pad sadly, but maybe I can get someone to make me one eventually? I've heard the cheap mat pads break pretty easy or the sensitivity gets all messed up so I'd have to find something nicer for hardcore gameplay. Plus, the piu machine doesn't have beethoven virus :P I listen to that song outside of the game too, haha. It's really catchy, can you blame me?

01/22/20; 12:48 PM | Feeling: sleepy

Back from lunch! Just took my pop quiz. I cheated a bit and STILL got a 17/22.................. uupsies >_> I'm super looking forward to this friday doe! My package is coming from aliexpress finally after a month of shipping n I'm getting three super cute lolita blouses. I already have an outfit planned for one of em too ^^ plus I get to see my dad, and my brother's staying home. We're going to a nice vegetarian restuarant for the first time and then I think we're going to chinatown to have curry :3 I always have a really good time with my dad when it's just us two. I sure am sleepy doeee zzzzz. WHAP is gonna be a looong last period, I can already tell. We're supposed to do some shark tank thing with an invention of the past..? I heard some girl cried over her assignment too, LOL. Anyways, I really like my outfit n makeup today! I feel a lot like myself and I feel pretty cute n confident (\(^o^)/) i'm in a pink seifuku top and a turtleneck with a black sailor skirt, plus some black thigh highs n pink striped legwarmers with new rocks on! I saw a nice picture on pinterest that inspired this outfit. I really like having a board of jfashion for outfit inspo ! I feel like I shouldn't blabber on so I won't, my apologies everyone ^^;

01/22/20; 7:56 PM | Feeling: sad

TW//vent (hover to reveal)I'm not feeling very good at the moment. I hate the way my brain works. The fact that I have no real personality of my own or sense of self is sickening. It's infuriating that I can't simply have people I look up to or am inspired by, because one way or another I end up trying to become them. I don't exist as a sole individual, I'm only a byproduct of those who are actually interesting and have substance. I can never have that. It hurts so fucking much that I can't formulate my own person, my own style, my own likes. Everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) is stolen and no matter how concious I am of it, I still end up doing it. I think to myself, "if i can become this person that I envy and aspire to be so much, then in turn I'll love myself and become the person I always wish I was". I'm so incredibly wrong in that. At the end of the day, I feel worse than before because I'm just some great value version of these amazing individuals who have a strong sense of self and confidence to them. I can never copy that confidence, no matter how hard I try, because it's just not me. Sure, I do actually enjoy the styles and likes of the people I emulate, but that makes it all the more difficult to find myself. How do I distance my own image from those who I imitate when the lines between them and I feel so blurred? This weighs on my mind every day. I can't proudly assert something I make or do either, as everyone can see it. Everyone around me knows I'm just a phony and a fake, and I could never be like these people when it really comes down to it. Sorry for ranting, I just needed to get this off my chest and I feel I have no one I can truly turn to with such.. humiliating information. It's genuinely embarassing that I don't fucking know who I am. I hate being real and I hate that I exist. I hate being aware of everything.

01/23/20; 12:52 PM | Feeling: alone

TW//vent (hover to reveal)I'm in 6th period doing Chemistry work and I just. I'm feeling so much. I found out AJJ is playing in my town this wednesday, and I'm super excited about it but listening to them more lately is making me face these tough emotions that I keep trying to avoid, albeit unsuccessfully. I miss you. I miss you so much. I can mask that mourning with as much hatred or anger as I please, but hating you won't make me miss you any less. I've grown past hating you, anyway. I don't want to hate you, and I don't think I do. I'm just really hurt. That's all. Really, really fucking hurt. I don't think I'd be very happy if I just tried to tough this out, though. I guess I'm grateful for this time apart to reflect but it's too long now, and this isn't a break I can just end like before. This is too permanent, too dehabilitating. It's really hard without you. It's hard to think about the fact that I'll be seeing the same band you saw only a few months ago with the pin from that show you got me. It's hard to think about the fact that no one will be excited about me finally seeing AJJ like you would. One of my favorite lines of theirs is:

"we're all human beings with our own understanding of what it means to suffer,
and that's a huge bummer"

I love you, still. Even if you think I don't. I love you so very much and I wish I wasn't this way, maybe we would've worked. I wish I didn't love you, either. Because this is a pain unlike any I've ever felt before. I can physically feel it, too. My chest feels like it's been wrapped in gauze and I can't breathe, I'm only gasping for air to no avail.

01/24/20; 11:57 AM | Feeling: miserable


was a bit too negative and personal for my liking. I'm okay now!

01/29/20; 10:47 AM | Feeling: saudade

hey everyone! It's been a few days since I last updated, but a bit has happened since! Today I'm going to my first concert after school to see my favorite band AJJ live! I'm super excited and I have about 48$ that I can spend at the merch table ^_^ aside from that though, today (and this week in general) has been pretty shitty. I wanted to wear my favorite dress to school and for my concert outfit, but when I put it on this morning after I finished my makeup the zipper got stuck and wouldn't move. My mom and I spent a good 12 minutes trying to even get it to go back down but it wouldn't budge. The piping on the bodice was also sticking out, and I felt really fucking frustrated and had to change. I needed something quick so I just threw on this dress I was saving for a special event which kind of blows. I really liked the outfit I had planned with that dress though and if the zipper is unsalvageable I'm gonna be really upset !! When I get home I'm going to see if there's anything more I can do to possibly save it but I don't think that's going to happen. I have to leave at 6 and I get home at four, so it might be smarter to just put together a new outfit all together. So frustrating because I don't have another outfit I really really like that I could just fall back on :/

anyways, I guess that's kind of just a first world problem. I'm still really glad I get to go to this concert and I'll figure it out. But [TW//vent] (hover to reveal)the other thing that has just been tearing me apart lately is a painful reminder of someone I still love who is hellbent on hurting me. He got me into this band, and when he saw them play a few months ago he got me a pin of the cat on the cover of only god can judge you, which still holds a very special place in my heart. That fucking white cat makes me want to bawl. I miss him so much. I've been listening to all of AJJ's discography, making sure I remember every last lyric. Their new album they're touring for has especially been on loop, and some of the songs hit right where it hurts. I wish I could tell him I'm finally going to see Sean and Ben. I wish I could excitedly send him pictures and videos, maybe even a pin in return. No one would be as happy for me as he would be about this. He knew how badly I wanted to see them play and how envious I was when he got to. All these songs, all these memories, even the fucking videos of us together with their instrumentals playing sweetly in the background. I wish I could just send you a text or call, but I have a nagging feeling I'll be more hurt than before (which is hard to imagine, considering the pit that's been forming in my stomach, spiraling and growing with each reminder). It's such a painful thought that someone I cared and still care for deeply could be wanting to harm me like this. It stings like no other, like citrus or alcohol in a wound. I've even been trying to better myself for him; becoming more healthy, more stable. I haven't self harmed in two or three weeks and I went to a psych ward and therapy again, is that enough? You told me I'm too sick, too sad to be loved. Well I'm improving and working in a more positive direction, is that better? Can you please love me again? I don't want to give you up. Is that a manipulative and toxic thing to say? I don't want to be like that. I just want to be with you. I love you and the purpose and feeling you gave me. I love the way you held me when we were together, in actuality, in my room. I still see the rip in my comforter and smile when I think of us roughhousing and being... kids. Two kids in love, with no sense of direction and no worries other than when our time spent will be over and you'd have to go back home. I cried like a widow that night. When you left me at my doorstep and kissed me good night. I miss you. I hope that isn't the last time I see you.

my thoughts are racing and swirling in the void inside my mind, consisting of you and only you. Whether it's too soon to reach out is an unbearably tricky question with no right answer. The feeling that, just maybe I should, keeps bubbling to the top. Maybe you'll be excited for me still! Maybe you feel the same phantom pains that I do. I can only pray that that's the case. My heart is racing and my skin is horripilating with a mix of dread and hope, destined to end with heartache. I hate wishing you'd read this one day.

01/30/20; 10:21 AM | Feeling: disheartened

the concert was amazing! really something for the books. At first I was having kind of a shitty night, but after running into an old friend nd getting by the stage for tacocat I started having a much better time. I bought a hoodie and the album flag right at the beginning. At the beginning during setup, I spoke to ben a bit! He's really sweet haha. I can't believe I saw him and Sean in real life.. crazy stuff! At the end of the show I got a quick selfie with ben too and Sean gave me a high five ^_^ I couldn't stay for pictures or signing sadly but I'm really happy Sean acknowledged me! He sounds even more amazing live, and hearing the new album's tracks in person was so surreal. These punks started moshing to like, every song too and Sean got annoyed lol. All in all, an amazing concert that I'll never forget! Aside from that though, I texted him. Just a simple, "hey, can we talk?" with no response. He's not the type to ignore, so I know he blocked my number. That's understandable. But I don't want him to just, be mad forever. It'd be so much better for the both of us to at least end on the right foot, even if he doesn't want a relationship of any kind with me. He has a lot of hate in his heart and I don't want that to fester, he's too sweet of a person to turn rotten like that and I don't want it to be because of me.. I don't want to cross any boundaries if he's that uncomfortable with me, but how can I even know if he would talk to me? I probably shouldn't dm him, right? I want to, but not as badly as I did before. At the moment I'm definitely more calm than yesterday. Just sending that text released a lot of tension, and I guess if he ever decides to unblock me one day maybe he'll see it (is that how blocked numbers work...?). moving on from that, I REALLY wanna make music. I really love the funky, kinda funny and interpretive lyrics that ajj makes and I wanna give it a shot! We're also making albums as a class for my music appreciation period and I'm enjoying it, even though the topic isn't really something I'd personally write about. I wanna make a Bible 2 and Christmas Island esc thing, so... we'll see how that goes :") wish me luck!

01/31/20; 8:17 AM | Feeling: stuck

TW//vent (hover to reveal)I hate living in this stupid small town. There's nothing to do here and no one to meet. I'm in a small school in a small town, do you know how incredibly frustrating that is? You know everyone and you don't get to broaden your horizons for years. I can't even move for at least another two years and I feel like I'm wasting my teen years here, all I do is sit in my room and occasionally go to the mall. I love my friends but I have so few of them and we all spend a ton of time together bc of school and shit. I hate it hate it hate it. I feel so depressed and stuck here !! I want to leave !! tripping to the city for the concert was so fun and even there it felt so much more lively!! I belong in a big city with lots to see and do and people to meet not stuck in this closed off uneventful southern town ughghhghgh it's making my depression so much worse than it has to be and I just wanna bang my head against the wall I feel sooo fucking stuck

not to mention I'm so fucking talentless and useless, I can't even fill my time here with something I enjoy because I'm not passionate enough about anything that I can really dedicate myself to. I wanna make music, I wanna play instruments, I wanna skate, I wanna make art, I wanna be someone and make something of myself but I'm just. So fucking useless and I'm a huge slacker god damnit I hate myself there's so much I wanna do but I just feel like I'm going to butcher everything and even when I try like when I take guitar lessons for over a month or I sing my heart out or spend over 8 or 9 years drawing seriously since I was in third grade, I'm never satisfied and my hands are delayed from where my mind's ambition is at. I want to accomplish so much more but nothing I make is anything of substance or use anyway. I'm a shallow, lackluster girl with no redeeming qualities. I hate being me. No goals and no hope for the future, 15 years with nothing to show for, just an all around disappointment.

02/02/20; 4:07 PM | Feeling: anxious

He texted me. He actually texted me. It was incredibly unprompted, too. Coincidentally, earlier today I wanted to check in and see what was going on. I took a look at his instagram, and immediately felt so sick to my stomach and hurt. I guess it's easy to look at these things and feel like people who have been removed from your life are moving on so easy and clearly don't miss you, and I guess maybe that hasn't been the case. He was wearing my bandana in a lot of the pictures and met AJJ, too. He looks a lot like he did back then. I felt shitty after that and closed out of it, being so full of anxiety and hate directed at myself. I nearly hurt myself too, but I didn't want to fuck up the only good I had in my life (my clean streak) and I just did my best to distract myself. Then, I go down to eat and upon sitting down I get a message. 3.57 pm, "Hey ****" followed by, "Do you wanna talk?" We had a small exchange, and I was shaking so much. I've never felt my heart pump so hard. I could barely even eat, my appetite was curbed. Most recently, I texted him, "did you get my text on Wednesday?" with no reply. It's been like 20 minutes, what's going on?? Why isn't he texting back?? This is eating me alive what does this mean?? Most of all, though, why today? Did somebody tell him what I did? I was so vague about it, how would anyone know? Does this mean he's been missing me too? He wanted us to have a clean slate, but he's the one who went on a smear campaign.. Besides the point. I'll update, I just needed to word vomit somewhere. At least this is going somewhere? I wonder if he did get my text and just ignored me, or if it was sheer coincidence and he really did have me blocked? I want answers, please. Just reply, would you???

02/03/20; 12:16 PM | Feeling: relieved

he texted me back!! he didn't get my texts for some reason but he texted back on instagram! he told me all the things I needed to hear...

02/04/20; 11:00 AM | Feeling: disappointed

TW//vent (hover to reveal)he's over me. what's even the point anymore lol, he said he's moved on and got his closure. Must be nice, huh. Here's my two months notice, as of today. In two months, I'll see myself out. Fuck it. Don't even care anymore haaha !!! Not to brag but I don't need alcohol to send texts I regret !! :))) I'm so fcking upset !! He moved on like that !! I guess I should be happy but it's only been less than two full months! ahahahhhhhh I'm seasoned in this shit I should know better and be the one who moves on from something bad and can recover quickly but I guess not ! :DDDDD I'm just a fucking idiot and that's what I get for being so emotionally attached to everyone who comes into my life hahaha. Guess I'll try to live out the next two months in the most fulfilling way before I call it quits. It was worth a shot, though. Too bad now I look like a fucking idiot. I hate my life.

02/12/20; 3:03 PM | Feeling: unreal

hey, reader. How are you? How do you feel? I hope you are good. I don't know what I feel other than exhausted, and out of body. I kinda feel like I don't exist today, seeing my reflection feels like a ghost. I'm just drifting through life, and the closer I get to april the more I feel like im disappearing. Which is fine, I guess. I want more time before I go, but I can't. This is the only day I can.. and I can't wait a year. But, a month and a half? That doesn't feel like enough time. I wanna at least get my driver's liscense first, or put out my first game, or something.....Maybe I will wait a year. I've been drawing so much lately. It very much is an escape for me. Coding, too. I've been working on my very own horror game lately. My friends and I have, that is. It's a story we came up very quickly. It's not my favorite storyline, but I don't mind. I just wanted the opportunity to learn more about coding and have practice with digital art. We're 13 pages into the script so far and only at chapter 2 of 4. I don't know. One of my friends that's working on the story with me has been hurting my feelings so much lately. He's always insulting me it feels like. I really don't like the way he makes me feel. And I feel like I give a lot only to be insulted in return. It really does hurt and I don't like that he thinks its okay to shove me around like that. I'll be alone for valentines day. I get to see two of my friends during the weekend though. I feel like I'm at 50% opacity. I'm only existing for others at this point. I can feel people walking through me. I can feel them moving inside me, crawling around and inside my eyes. That's how I've been feeling lately.

02/13/20; 1:24 PM | Feeling: destructive

TW//vent (hover to reveal)I actually wanna explode like it's not even funny I feel like i'm about to light on fire and I just . I'm so done I'm so sick of feeling I hate breathing and experiencing emotions and having to go through all this bullshit my heart is so broken and I want to hurt myself so bad like I don't even care anymore I'm gonna do it idc idc I'll destroy myself because you don't care for me anymore and can replace me like that I don't even care go ruin her life for all I care let her realize how cold and uncaring you are take as long as you FUCKING need i dont mind at all!!!!!!! not like I wanna be with you anymore!! That sounds sarcastic but I really don't! I romanticized the idea of you in my mind and didn't even notice, now I'm here and all this shit has closed in on me like a shrinking room!!! god FUCK your girlfriend and FUCK YOU!! I hate having this anger oh my GOD I don't even wanna talk to you anymore leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone please god for my own sake pleasse fukcing hel leave me alone I get so anxious speaking to you and at this point im just so hurt that I could explode oh god oh god oh god I wanna disappear i wanna hurt i wanna explode im so numb yet emotional at the same time god ffuckign damnit why cant i just be an emotionless computer i dont want t feel i hate feeling i hate existin i hate being humna i cant do thids i cant cant icatn i dont care if i have to keep living as long as its without you and i can do what i want with my body hwy am i subscribing to this idea that somethig that makes me feel good is bad??? if it makes me feel better why sit in my own fcking sick????? its the only thing that works so let me do this!! theres nothign wrong with it you all are the ones in the wrong im so hrut im so hurt im so hurt anfiskgjf\ i wanna dispapear i hate it i hate it oh my god i I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELFI HATE MYSELF GOD

02/19/20; 10:26 AM | Feeling: i don't know what i'm feeling today

april is only getting closer and closer, and I'm terrfied. I'm so scared of that month, because I know any progress I make by then will be erased so easily. I wish so badly I could sleep through the entire month, I feel like that's the only thing that'll keep me from hurting myself in an irreversible way. I want to go through the whole month without hearing its name or the date, I want to be completely unaware that its april. also, I told him I wasn't ready to talk and be friends after all. it was my friend's idea, and i'm grateful for that honestly. it's shocking how after only what, a week? i had already become attached and accustomed to doing things to impress him. Is this making sense? I don't really care if it is or isn't. I'm going to see my dad this weekend. I don't know what we'll do, but my dog is coming with me. That's always fun. I wanna play saya no uta right now. I finished corpse party: dead patient last period. I didn't really enjoy the ending and I got lost towards the end but it's okay. I have the extra chapter left, and chapter 1's ending didn't make sense (at least, in relation to the other corpse party games). I also started playing corpse party: blood drive last night since I bought it in math, but I don't like that one too much either. I don't like the game mechanics, you know? the 3d models were cute for dead patient, but at this point they just make the game feel like a joke. I miss book of shadows' mechanics, but its okay. You can really feel how much they're dragging the plot out. In all honesty, the games probably should've stopped at blood covered. even hinoe's death was.. random and inserted rather poorly. it raises a ton of questions, like, where did she come from? how did she know, and more importantly, how did niwa know? I'm really disappointed with this, jeez.. I have been looking into other visual novels though (horror, obviously) and I came across a few. I think my current list to play next in order would be:

  • saya no uta
  • umineko (ryuukishi 07 games)
  • imabikisou
  • 1999ChristmasEve
  • divi dead
  • school days

  • 02/24/20; 12:45 PM | Feeling: empty :-(

    I really hate feeling so.. lacking? Like nothing interests me, it's the absolute worst. But I'm sick of being always so depressing on here, so I'll try to be more cheery today ! What have you been up to, reader? I personally have been diving into the world of computer building! I'm going to be making myself a little coding n light gaming pc with neon green accents! So far the parts i've decided on are a phanteks 400a rgb atx case, an amd ryzen 5 2600 cpu, and some wild rgb peripherals off amazon. pretty barebones rn, but that's cuz I just found out my budget yesterday. I'm hype :)))) I also started posting my art on instagram..! I'm trying to keep my social media life away from my neocities one, but if you're interested then..... my art acc is @windowsmetan ^_^ yeshyeshyesh I don't have much else to say. I've been watching a ton of cyberpunk movies as wellllll like rewatching blade runner n the matrix series. who's gonna be the neo to my trinity?? >:00

    03/2/20; 9:04 AM | Feeling: hatred

    TW//vent (hover to reveal)burning hate in me.
    I hate being alive.
    I want my conciousness uploaded into a computer, so I can get rid of this useless shell of a body.
    But in the end, it'd be better if I could completely disappear.

    03/27/20; 3:00 AM | Feeling: ???

    JEEZ it's been almost an entire month since I last updated! I'm so sorry, reader :< so much has happened. After my spring break, the covid-19 situation began and I haven't been in school for like,, 3 weeks now?? I've begun online classes and finished all of this week's work yesterday (thursday). As I'm sure you could guess, my sleep schedule is completely fucked in every way and I haaate it. I want to be asleep right now and I'm dead tired, but I've been laying in bed for hours at this point with my eyes shut. Finally my mind wandered enough and I said fuck it, I'd rather be productive than lying in bed unsuccessfully trying to sleep. So, hi!! I have a flip phone now :3 I blinged it out and I love it a lot! Here's a pic: [WIP.... sorry I wanted to take a break im so tired LOL]

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